Shade Tree Wisdom 10/21/08

I do not like thee, Dr. Fell
The reason why I cannot tell,
But this I know, and know full well,
I do not like thee, Dr. Fell.

I do not remember where I first read that bit of nonsense, but it does seem to sort of describe the incivility we so often encounter in daily life. The surly clerk, the slow waitress, the uncivil civil servant at the license counter, the noisy co-worker, the neighbor whose sound blasts through the wall, the driver who gives us ‘the finger’, the unruly child in the restaurant, etc. etc.

And when we run into rudeness, we feel abused, punished, violated, deeply hurt, and often very angry for not defending ourselves.

As a courtesy to the
Next passenger, May
We suggest you use
Your towel to wipe
Off the washbasin

I saw such a sign in the washroom of an airplane. It is extraordinary, but it is the voice of society reminding us that we are to care for one another. We are reminded, not required. No law or regulation cited, the key words are “as a courtesy” and “we suggest”. Nothing more than gentle prodding. But why clean it for a perfect stranger to use it next? Because it is the right thing to do. Being courteous to the next person is its own reward.

Several decades ago, Sir. John Fletcher Moulton, a distinguished British judge, spoke of action he called ‘obedience to the unenforceable’. Such actions are not prescribed by law. They are influenced by our sense of what is proper, responsible, and decent. Like giving your seat to another in a crowded subway car, or allowing another to take precedence at a service counter.[It’s the sort of behavior your mother insisted on.]

The rude disregard the unenforceable and insist on ME.ME.ME. They flout the rules of civility while counting on others to follow them.

Rudeness grows when we are unwilling to keep our needs and desires under control. It may be such a simple thing as stepping away when the cell phone rings. Restraint makes life possible. When we lack restrain, we hurt others, and usually ourselves. Think, for instance, of the car crash caused by a drunk driver.

Ben Franklin had a habit of argument till he decided this. I quote from his biography;
“I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting or showing the absurdity in a proposition. In answering I began by showing that in certain cases or circumstances such an opinion would be right. But in this case there ‘appeared’ or ‘seemed to me’ some difference. The conversation I engaged on went on more pleasantly; the modest way I proposed my opinions got them readier reception and less contradiction.”

So, by less assertiveness, more humility, he learned to be less rude, and became a more pleasant companion and conversationalist. What this does is allow the other person to feel important also.

And there is the solution. We are anonymous. We don’t know each other, the neighborhood we live in, or often even the people we work with, and we don’t care! We have learned to like it that way. Children who used to play till twilight with others now spend their time tweaking their computers, isolated, alone.

So, when confronted by rudeness, do not fire back. Think before you take any action, and often take none, or take it away from the situation, when both have had time to reconsider. Stop, ask, slow down. Do not be quick to take offence when none is meant. You have to live with yourself.

To conclude this, remember this from “Drop A Pebble Into The Water”
Drop an unkind word, or careless, in a minute it is gone.
But there’s half-a-hundred ripples circling on and on and on.
They keep spreading, spreading, spreading from the center as they go,
And there’s no way to stop them, once you’ve started them to flow.” James Foley

GPD 10/21/08